


Lost Boys

by KissMeBefore_the_wolfbanesetsin



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drugs, First Time, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, Sex, Someone might die some time, Will add more as the fic goes on, broken home, first kpop fic, not sure yet - Freeform, oding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6789574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KissMeBefore_the_wolfbanesetsin/pseuds/KissMeBefore_the_wolfbanesetsin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fall and rise of boo seungkwan and chwe hansol<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first kpop fic so I'm sorry if it's not very good. Kudos and feedback are appreciated. If you guys like it, I'll continue  
> Gaby

It starts off slowly.  
The way their eyes meet is in a rush of sounds and lights. The annual “Party like Pornstars” (honestly, vernon thinks that the person that named this event was ten carats crazy) is in full effect and there’s body paint and the smell of weed everywhere. The college unofficially gave them permission to throw this bash a few months ago and vernon stopped hating his broke ass school. Some people are dancing in circles and there’s about three people humping on each other. Vernon thinks the cops have been called at least twice before he arrived but they won’t do anything. They never do. 

A small bowl filled with various colors,shapes, and textured pills is in front of him. He’s done this too many times before. Knows which ones will give him the best high and which ones will make him horny. The bowl hasn’t changed since the start of these parties but every time Vernon closes his eyes and takes his chances. He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t take more than one. 

Vernon is a master at this. He likes to take risks and if sometimes he finds himself passed out with no recollection of what happened the previous night, he calls that a win. His medicine is starting to kick in when he sees him.  
A newbie. Whether it’s his chubby cheeks or the way he’s shifting his weight on his feet that gives him away, vernon doesn’t know. But he knows that this dude won’t last the whole night. Especially if he’s too scared to even break away from his designated “party friend”. Vernon watches as the mystery boy trails behind his friend with the black bob hair cut. Vernon recognizes him. Not so sure of the name but knows it’s something with a “J”.  
Mystery boy seems so innocent that vernon wants to hurt the person that brought him here. This place is supposed to be for the ones that fuck everybody or don’t know if they want to live till next week. Vernon is somewhere in between.  
This isn’t a place for innocence. The boy is moving his gaze somewhere and it takes vernon a second to realize that he’s looking at him. It takes vernon even longer to realize that he’s staring holes into the guy’s head. The boy with the name that starts with a “J” is walking towards him and why??  
“Hey, mind if we get some of that?” The boy points behind him and vernon forgot that he hasn’t moved from his spot since he took his dose. Vernon clears his throat and moves aside. The room is beginning to fuzz from the outside-in and he has to shake his head a few times to adjust again.  
“You look familiar” Bob cut says as he downs his pill, handing over the next one to mystery boy; who looks at it like it’s the plague in a capsule.  
“You know Joshua, right?” he asks again. Vernon nods. Of course he knows his best friend. The question is, how does bob cut know him?  
“He’s in my lit class. Always talks about you and these parties. I’m Jeonghan” he says with a smirk on his face. Vernon watches as Jeonghan gestures his head towards his side. “That’s seungkwan. He’s been a little stressed so i figured, why not?”  
Vernon looks over at seungkwan and he’s still tossing the pill in between his fingers. Licking his lips and shuffling his feet.  
“It’s easier if you just take it back” Vernon says. He thinks his speech is starting to become drawn out but maybe that’s just him. Seungkwan nods and tilts his head back. He stops himself at the last minute and opens his mouth to say something but is drowned out by Jeonghan taking the pill and feeding it to him. Vernon chuckles as he watches Seungkwan cough.  
“Have fun” Vernon says before walking away. 

Seungkwan is not having fun. Seungkwan is the farthest thing from it. His palms are sweaty, his vision is a little cloudy and he really wants to eat something. Seungkwan really needs to remember to look up these side effects when he gets home. (If he gets home because fuck it's a little hot in here and he might pass out and wake up in a ditch or in a hospital with his stomach pumped and he really hates his roommate.) Seungkwan is bumping into people and the music is getting louder. The night doesn't seem to slow down and he's lost Jeonghan in the sea of pill poppers and grinding. He doesn't realize he's sweating until he touches his head with one of the beers.  
“Woah, dude, you alright?” Seungkwan recognizes that voice and he turns around to see none other than the cause of his suffering and turmoil. Vernon stands in front of him, hands wiping at his wet hair and- why is his hair wet?  
“taking a cold shower usually helps me come down quicker” the older of the two says. Tossing the towel in between his hands. He notices the way Seungkwan looks him up and down. “You don't look so good.” Vernon points out and fucking duh. Of course the younger doesn't look so good. He's fucking hyperventilating and he doesn't even know what he took and this was possibly the worst idea ever in the history of everything.  
Vernon laughs and seungkwan realizes he might have said all of that out loud. Seungkwan is being pulled somewhere and he looks down to see that vernon has his wrist and is walking towards the steps  
“If you're going to drug me I'd like a warning please”  
Vernon just shakes his head and carries on  
“well then where are you taking me?”  
Vernon stays silent  
“ya know, if you think you being all mysterious and such is attractive. It's really not. It actually just makes you look like an asshole” Seungkwan realizes he's outside when he feels a rush of cold air hit his face.  
“why are we on the balcony?” Seungkwan asks. He looks around and the sound of laughing and trap music fills his ears. He doesn't know where Jeonghan has disappeared to, doesn't know when these side effects will wear off.  
“Maybe some cool air will help you” he hears vernon say and he looks to his side and vernon is leaning over the edge of the balcony.  
“the first one is always the hardest” Vernon says. Seungkwan breathes an airy laugh and wipes at  
his forehead.  
“how many of these have you been to?” Seungkwan asks. Vernon shifts his weight on his feet and mentally scratches his head. He honestly can't remember. Can't recall how many times he'd wake up smelling of someone and how many shakes he went through the next few days. Vernon wants to remember his first pill. Wants to tell seungkwan that he was scared and wanted to turn back around and go home; when in actuality he invited it. He wanted to feel the particles of the little pill move through his body and slowly illuminate him to everything and everyone. If he squints really hard he thinks he can make out exactly when he got hooked to this. When he stopped going for the people and started going for the doses. When he had his first OD and rode it out in an ice bath on the second floor. The nights have all meshed together into one endless ray of blurs and blackouts. He looks over at seungkwan. Who's drinking in the night air like he's been dehydrated for days and holy fuck vernon doesn't want this to happen to him. This boy is filled with innocence and curiosity and this place is a den for the damned. Vernon doesn't want to see this happen to him.  
Once seungkwan is full, he breathes a breath of fresh air. Like when you're drowning and can finally get to the surface.  
They share a look of relief and vernon gets up to go back downstairs.  
The door is open when seungkwan turns to face him.  
“Thanks”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm glad you guys liked the first chapter. Sorry I took so long to get this out. Since you guys have been patient I will be uploading two chapters this day..  
> As always, feedback, kudos, suggestions are all appreciated!! I hope you enjoy  
> Gaby

Seungkwan hates these visits. Seriously, if he could call in a bomb threat just to evacuate, he would.  
He'd go to his room so fast, the only thing people would see while he was passing is a bush of hair.  
But, no.  
Seungkwan is here. He's here in this office with mrs. triangletitties. (Seriously if you saw them, you'd agree. They could poke a hole in a notebook)  
He's being asked about his week. Being asked about his family.  
“how's your mom doing, do you have any plans to visit her?”  
“are you still passing Musical theatre? When is your next performance?” Seungkwan doesn't want to tell her that he dropped out last semester. There's a couple of students lined up outside. Seungkwan glances towards the “best counselor” award that's hanging behind her.  
She's looking at him with anticipation. Maybe hoping he'd tell her about his dreams. Or his new song he's been writing.  
Or the attacks. Seungkwan knows that's what she's waiting for. It's the only highlight of this job. Hearing everybody's problems.  
Seungkwan could tell her that he has had a total of 3 panic attacks this week. When he first started seeing ms. Sharpnipples it was after his accident. Seungkwan doesn't really remember much about what exactly caused his dad to swerve into another lane without putting his blinker on. But he had this look of sadness on his face before he did it and seungkwan couldn't seem to erase it from his memory.  
There was screeching and the sounds of metal against metal then screaming. Then nothing.  
Seungkwan woke up a day later with a scar where his spleen used to be. (The doctors officially said that he had internal bleeding and they had to remove it for him to survive. Apparently it was the equivalent of “mashed potatoes dyed red”) he had asked his nurse where his dad was, is anyone else hurt, but she had told him to wait.  
He found out later in the day that his dad had been taken away and there were three other cars involved. A total of eight people were injured. Only one death.  
Her name was Alice  
She was the youngest  
She was six.  
Seungkwan’s eyes had started to water and he couldn't seem to catch his breath no matter what he grabbed onto. He was sedated and didn't wake back up until later in the night. 

“Seungkwan”  
The boy pops his head up and is met with wary eyes. She's put her glasses down and she's waiting for him to say something.  
Seungkwan looks at the clock and Woah time is going way too slow. He has twenty minutes left. He knows that she won't allow him to end their session early. She never does. Seungkwan tries his best to give her what she wants. Just enough drama and badness but not enough for her to commit him.  
It takes him a second.  
Brown eyes. Leonardo dicaprio hair. Fresh air.  
Seungkwan shifts in his seat for a second before clearing his throat.  
“I went to this party a few days ago..” 

~ ~  
When they meet again, Vernon is sober and leaned over a book in the library. His hair is a scruffy mess and it is incredibly too quiet. He has a biology test coming up and he has to memorize how long it takes for someone to bleed out if their femoral artery is cut.  
Seungkwan is sitting down between bookshelves and reading this new book his English teacher assigned for a book report. Something about a family living in a third world country and trying to relocate. He's at the part where the family may have found a safe haven when vernon spots him. He's sitting criss-cross applesauce and vernon thinks he resembles a five year old.  
“look who's alive” Seungkwan looks up and seriously why does the light have to hit him like that? Vernon’s eyes are sparkling with light and holy crap seungkwan didn't realize how soft his hair looked. Before the younger can say anything, vernon sits down next to him.  
The air is thick with unspoken words and seungkwan isn't sure exactly what to say.  
“how's life? You still going to those pill parties?”  
“yeah.”  
Damn it. Seungkwan really needs to stop thinking things out loud.  
Vernon doesn't want to tell him that when he went back, he let out a sigh of relief when he didn't see him.  
“whatcha reading?” Vernon asks. His finger pointing to the page.  
“um,” Seungkwan lifts up the book.  
“Deliver Us?”  
“what's it about?” Seungkwan recites the back of the book verbatim and he watches as Vernon’s eyes widen a little.  
“That’s.. pretty harsh”  
“yeah well, harsh sells”  
The air is quiet again and seungkwan needs to work on his socializing skills.  
He begins to tap his hand on his knee and vernon notices.  
“You want to go somewhere?”  
Seungkwan notices the way Vernon’s voice cracks.  
“The last time someone asked me that I winded up almost ODing on random pills”  
“okay you weren't ODing. You were just freaking out. Which is normal for a newbie. And second, I promise this won't put you in bodily harm” Vernon has this smirk on his face and seungkwan can't tell if he wants to kiss him or punch him. Oh well, he'll decide later.  
They pack up their books and head towards the exit. The librarian shushes a student sitting near the window and they both let out an airy laugh. 

It's a 5 minute walk and a 10 minute bus ride to their destination.  
Seungkwan is greeted with the smell of pizza and cheeseburgers and he didn't realize he was so hungry. There are kids running around and the ever growing sound of “WINNER” are in his ears.  
“Vernon, what's up?” at the sound of his name, the new York native turns his head. A boy with brown hair and a soft voice welcome them. He's wearing a name tag with some of the letters faded out.  
“hey, Josh. How's your shift going?” Vernon lets out a little giggle and seungkwan thinks he's never heard anything more adorable.  
“actually, pretty good. Only one kid threw up on me.” Vernon met joshua one night after he tried niacine. It was one of the lesser drugs in the bunch and the only thing it really did was make vernon starve. His belly was an endless landfill and he couldn't get enough. They were closing when vernon had walked up. It took a few words and a promise to split the pizza when Josh had let him in. They spent that night eating three pizzas and talking about their latest journeys. Josh had gotten in trouble the next day and his paycheck was a little short that week but he thinks it was worth it. Josh is one of the only things that puts a genuine smile on Vernon’s face. He's laid back, but not enough to not care about his future. He's a fun guy but knows his limits. He once persuaded Vernon to go to church with him one night and when vernon saw how his eyes would light up when he felt a “sermon” he was convinced that Joshua Hong was too good for this world.  
“who's this? Your latest project? Joshua asks, pointing to the boy looking around at the various games. Vernon hopes seungkwan was too engulfed in them to actually hear what he just said.  
“are you staying for a while? Eunji is coming in like 30 minutes”  
“do you wanna stay?” Vernon looks at,seungkwan and notices the way his eyes light up at the dance game and he thinks he has his answer.  
“You know what I like” Vernon says and they make their way to a booth.  
Vernon is captivated by the way Seungkwan runs from game to game, laugh filling the walls. Watches as he patiently waits his turn to try and win as much tickets as he can and if seungkwan just so happened to get into an argument with a 7 year old over who was next then vernon promises not to tell.  
There's this youthful wonder to him that vernon thinks is refreshing. Joshua finds it cute and makes it his mission to pinch the boys cheeks whenever he can.  
It's almost closing time and Eunji is about to come over to usher them out.  
“wait wait I have to buy something” Seungkwan rushes over to the prize booth and his tickets are crumpled in his various pockets. The lady at the counter looks at him like he's got five heads as he pushes the tickets over to her.  
“how much is that? What can I get?”  
“You have 2340 tickets. You can get anything from the top two shelves” she says In a “I've done this too many times. Hurry up and leave already” voice. Seungkwan scans the toys, plushies, and candy before setting his eyes on his prize.  
“That one” Seungkwan points and the lady goes to grab it.  
It's an octopus the size of his head. It's purple with a weird smile on his face and the tentacles are pointing in different directions. It's only worth about half of his tickets and he decided to fill his pockets with candy and some plastic Kanye sunglasses.  
The sun is beginning to set and Seungkwan knows he'll probably get in trouble when he gets back to his dorm because they have a curfew. Everybody in their dorms by 7. Lamest rule ever.  
Vernon and seungkwan don't utter a word to each other until they're on the bus  
“why'd you take me there?” it's a simple question. One that doesn't even require a whole sentence for an answer but it stumps vernon nonetheless. He's not really sure of the answer himself. They aren't technically friends so it is random for them to just hang out.  
They're not screwing (which honestly just give seungkwan a dark room and he could change that)  
There isn't really a rhyme or reason as to why they've went on this spontaneous getaway and when the silence lasts for more than a minute, seungkwan puts the question to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like seungkwan's story? Do you think I should focus more on vernon or seungkwan or both?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm baaack  
> Okay so I wasn't really feeling the title of this fic very well. So I changed it. Do you guys like it? If not, tell me if you liked the old title and I'll switch it back :)  
> WARNING MENTIONS OF NONCON SEX AND SELF HARM AHEAD
> 
> As always, kudos, feedback,comments (I'm glad people are liking it but I'm not sure of your thoughts because nobody really comments) are all appreciated!!  
> Thanks again  
> Gaby

_It is so hot. Vernon’s hair is sticking to his forehead and the music is so loud through the window. When vernon had made the decision to come here, he knew what he was getting into. Knew that the people that came here often blacked out before 5am. But he still came. He wanted to feel that rush of the pills as they worked their way through his system. When he arrived, the clear bowl invited him. He saw a girl with brown hair reach her hand in before pulling it out and downing whatever pill she had. The cycle continued until it got to him. He saw that most of the people in front of him had taken one pill. Maybe two. But vernon had taken at least four. He wasn't sure what this cocktail was, but he was feeling it almost immediately. The room started to spin and he couldn't walk straight. At least not as straight as he wanted to._  
_The music is vibrating the walls and he can't pinpoint who's talking the loudest._  
_“Woah there” he bumps into something- someone soft and he just started slurring out an apology when they laugh._  
_“Newbie, huh?” he nods and the person moves their hand to his waist._  
_“yeah, I was like you. Do you remember what you took?” Vernon slurs out a mix of colors and hopes that the person can understand. He barely hears the person hum before his feet are moving._  
_“Oh, well, you'll be fine. Hopefully. My name is-”_  
_The bass picks up. They're swaying to the beat and vernon prays that he doesn't look like he's a complete high loser._  
_The person is moving their body against his and he feels his pants begin to tighten. He's never been this hard before this fast and he hopes it's not permanent._  
_“This is my fourth party. It gets pretty easy after your first one. Trust me.”_  
_“oh yeah? What'd you take?” Mystery person replies his doses but vernon can't really hear anymore. “-they usually just make me really horny”_  
_This person has semi-long hair and vernon can't tell if he feels boobs or not but vernon doesn't really care._  
_He watches as this person feeds him a look and it takes vernon a millisecond to jump on them. Their teeth clash when their lips meet but they soon straighten up. The person is moving their hands all over Vernon’s body and they're beginning to walk backwards. Vernon opens his eyes slightly to see that they're going towards the stairs._  
_“Come on” they're grabbing Vernon’s hand and as they reach the top of the stairs, they turn right and vernon hears a door knob turn._  
_The music is surprisingly dulled out when the door closes behind him. He's pushed up against the door and anonymous is grinding against him. Vernon hitches his breath in his throat as the other works on his belt. He realizes what's going to happen and vernon suddenly can't breathe. His head is beginning to hurt as he's moved towards the bed. His lips are still moving against the person’s. He's mouth is still breathing out moans but this is wrong. His cock is hard and dripping and the person takes notice. They swoop off his pants and boxers and wrap their hands around him. They're tugging and clasping and vernon wants to tell them to stop. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen._  
_His toes are beginning to curl up and anonymous smirks. Vernon can't tell them that it's because he's trying to catch his breath._  
_The person is hovering over him and vernon can smell the tequila on their breath._  
_He feels them lean down and begin to kiss his neck and everything about this person is rough. Vernon hisses as they bite down and his hands go to their chest. He's pushing and he wants to tell them that this was a bad idea. But his pills are making it hard and he can't make a full sentence when he opens his mouth._  
_He hears them chuckle._  
_“Are you ready?”_

_When vernon wakes up, the sun is blinding him and his lower body is in pain._

~  
Vernon wakes up with tears stinging his eyes. They only fall when vernon moves his hand to wipe them away.  
It's been Ten parties since then and vernon still can't seem to catch his breath when there is someone in bed with him. Most of his encounters since then, with the same sex or not, has been consensual. His mind blurs when he tries to figure out which is which. His alarm is faint in his ears and he has to get up for class. It's a subject he won't ever get a career in with a teacher who recites the same Montra she does with every class.  
“Come on, you're gonna be late” his in-school mom (official name is Minghao) barges into their shared room with a chocolate chip muffin in one hand and a cup of water in the other.  
“Here you go. I read it helps.” Minghao knows about his parties. Too many times he's picked him up and nursed him back to health. When vernon OD’ED for the first time, Minghao still insisted on taking him to the hospital after he found him in the tub of melted ice. Much to his delight, vernon agreed.

  
Minghao has become somewhat of a lifeline for the younger. They see each other all the time and Minghao has shared just as much with vernon as vernon does with him.  
Vernon knows that Minghao has a boyfriend who travels from here and China when he can. He knows that Minghao likes to dance. And he knows when he relapses and there's a new red line on his roommates arm.  
They both depend on each other and have come to the conclusion that they are indeed brothers from other mothers.  
The younger even introduced him to Joshua one night and vernon has never laughed so much.  
They've all made a plan to move in together once school is over.

  
“Jun texted his sympathy”. Vernon smirks at his friends words.  
“We gotta go, though, seriously. Or else mr. Fulton is going to give us detention again. And Jun is coming back tonight and I'd rather not spend it with a bald white guy”  
“I'm pretty sure you've broken the world record for saying ‘and’ the most times in a sentence”  
Minghao rolls his eyes and goes to grab Vernon’s wrist.  
“okay mom I'm up. Give me five minutes.”  
Minghao smirks at the nickname and leaves his remedy on the table next to him.  
“five minutes” Minghao repeats before going outside.

It takes vernon seven minutes to actually step foot out of the door. The first four are used getting out of bed. As they make their way down the hallway, vernon notices Minghao start to pull his sleeve down more.  
“He still doesn't know?”  
“don't worry. I covered them up.”  
They reach their building faster than they expected. They're welcomed with an exasperated sigh from the teacher and two pink slips.  
                                   ♡  
Vernon blesses God that he doesn't have too many classes today. Only a lecture or two that he sleeps his way through.  
“Let's just get this over with. If we're lucky, he'll fall asleep again.” Minghao reassures as they walk through the door.  
There are at least five other students in the classroom and the silence is suffocating.  
“Why haven't you told him? Hasn't he seen?” Vernon whispers when they get to the back.  
“It's not like I'm doing it like I used to. It's just sometimes i-”  
“Mingy, he needs to know-”  
“You gonna tell him?” Minghao shoots him a glare and vernon knows that this is the end of the discussion. He knows that Minghao is too scared. They've only been dating for a few months but whenever Jun is near, Minghao lights up like he's fallen in love all over again. Vernon knows that the older is mostly just afraid that he won't be able to answer the questions that his lover might have.

Like “why?”. In a sane person’s mind, physically mutilating yourself because you feel bad on the inside is completely and utterly irrational. Minghao knows this but he can't seem to stop. Not really. The longest he's gone without it is a few days when he was taking care of vernon.  
When the younger found this out, he wasn't sure whether to feel happy because one of his best friends had stopped hurting themselves or guilty because he made one of his best friends take care of him.  
Minghao is drawing in his notebook and the clock seems to go by quick. Mr. Fulton passes out about twenty minutes in and that's the silent alarm to get the hell out of there.  
“I have to go. Jun’ll be landing soon.” Minghao shifts his books between his arms.  
“Okay, I'll just go to Josh’s.” Minghao nods silently.  
“are we cool?” Vernon asks before starting his walk back to their dorm.  
Minghao pauses.  
“yeah, we're cool”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I'm typing these up I always think that they're sooo long but when I upload them they're not.  
> Gosh first world problems


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!  
> So I was originally going to upload this chapter like 2 days ago but it was too short for my liking so I added some stuff  
> As always kudos, suggestions, comments, are all appreciated!!  
> Gaby

It happens on a friday. Vernon is texting Joshua about his latest music discovery that will “utterly blow your mind. I'm serious” and his book bag is slung over his shoulder. He's making his way back to his dorm to maybe nap before going to the party tonight when he crashes into something and goes tumbling.

“Damn it! Watch the fuck-” He's met with the same chubby cheeks as the first time he's seen them. Except this time, his eyes are swollen and teary. Vernon can faintly make out the sniffles that pour out of his mouth. “hey, you” Vernon says. He swallows the awkward because he's not exactly sure what to do next. The only people that he's had to console are his friends who are probably getting laid right now. And vernon doesn't even really know this guy. He can't even remember whether or not they've exchanged names. His need to see this guy with a smile on his face isn't accompanied with a logic reason.

If someone asked him “What's his last name?” Vernon most definitely wouldn't be able to tell them. But they've been standing here for a good few minutes and neither of them are moving. Vernon isn't sure he could if he wanted to.

“Are you-” of course he's not.

“do you want to t-” probably not.

Vernon’s feet are heavy in their place and the longer he stands there, the more he can see the tears in the others eyes. He can see how hard he's trying to not let them fall.

This is a bad idea. This is seriously the worst idea ever. Vernon has had pretty stupid ideas in his short 18 years of life but this tops it.

Vernon’s fingers begin to twitch as he reaches his arm forward. He's not sure what he's going to do next. Honestly, he hadn't really thought that far. He definitely didn't expect the other to all but jump into his arms. The other is so close that his tears are hitting Vernon’s neck like bullets. Vernon isn't sure what to do. He's always been on the other side of this exchange. Seungkwan is crying so hard that when he tries to talk, it's nothing but blurbs and gasps.

“I think you need to calm down” Vernon’s hands are awkwardly hanging in the air. Not sure where to place them.

“I...S-sorry...mydad...over...gotta-” When vernon brings his hand up to caress Seungkwan’s back, he notices just how hard he is shaking. “Let’s-” Vernon clears his throat. “We should- um, Let’s- my dorm isn't far”. Seungkwan lifts his head up and there are dried tear tracks on his cheeks as long as wet ones. He's been crying for a long time. Vernon points his finger and seungkwan follows. He takes a good guess that that is the direction his dorm is in. The walk is quiet. Vernon feels really stupid because he never really knows what to do with this kid. Doesn't know what to say, when. Doesn't know why he takes him out. Cares for him. He can't even recall his name most of the time when he sees him. Just knows his face. Seungkwan is lagging behind vernon, his feet are dragging and there's this blank look on his face. When they reach the front door of Vernon’s room. He pushes the lock in and turns the knob.

They're met with the sound of a crashing. When they make their way further inside, vernon sees Minghao on the floor, his shirt off. Jun is sitting on the couch and shuffling to get his shirt buttoned. “Oh my god. Disinfect the couch. Better yet burn it, I am never sitting there again. My poor eyes” Minghao growls at vernon as the younger comedically shields his eyes. Jun is clearing his throat and shuffling his pants. Seungkwan stands in the entrance. His eyes surveying the room. Taking everything in. It smells like pizza and incents. There are two beds and one of the sides is a little messy. There's a mess of dirty clothes strewn almost everywhere. The bathroom is spotless with a few towels on the floor. When vernon sits down, seungkwan deduces that the messy side is his. Seungkwan manages to step more than one foot into the room and he realizes that the other occupants have left. Has he been out of it that long? Vernon is sitting near the wall on his bed and he's looking around. He's probably stared at these four walls more times than he can count but vernon thinks anything is better than this. Seungkwan’s eyes have since dried up and he can see that the sun is starting to slowly go down.

“Um, I'm sorry. About..that.” the event itself is unspoken of between them. Seungkwan, himself feels embarrassed. He had only found out that his dad had finally gotten a trial date and by the lawyers standards it “wasn't looking good”. It's not something that the island native can really talk about. He's known this guy all of 2 days, non consecutively. He doesn't even know his age. So seungkwan makes his self comfortable on the couch.

“You don't have to sit there. I'm not crazy or anything” The cycle continues. Awkward stares then more awkward shuffles of their bodies.

“You can go now” At that, seungkwan does a double take.

“huh?”

“you're feeling better, right?” Seungkwan knows the answer to that. He hasn't been feeling “better” for as long as he's had this stupid scar on his stomach. But he doesn't want to go back to his dorm. His roommate is a hot-water hogging, night owl with “too much riding on his scholarship”. And all seungkwan wants is to take a steaming hot shower and sleep. For forever. So, no. Seungkwan is in fact, not feeling better. His situation is out of his control and that makes him hurt because he still hasn't spoken to his dad. Not since a week after he was taken away. Even then, the most he got out of him was a question asking how his mom was. His life is in shambles right now and there's nothing he can do to make it better. His eyes are starting to sting again and he notices that vernon has moved from the bed onto the couch. His eyes have that cover of sympathy on them and seungkwan doesn't realize that he's started crying again. His crying is more sobs than anything else but it's enough to get Vernon’s attention. He's pulling seungkwan into him and he doesn't think too much about how he seems to fit.

“It’s okay. You're okay just let it out.” He's wiping away the tears on seungkwan's chin when it happens. Seungkwan isn't sure why he does it. He's a crying mess and he's pretty sure he's going to have the biggest headache tomorrow but he does it regardless. It catches vernon by surprise. Before he can speak up, seungkwan is swinging his leg over Vernon’s lap and his lips are landing on the other's. It's a mix of sweetness and saltiness and vernon think the main taste is the latter. It's sloppy and fast and vernon can't say that he doesn't enjoy it. The way the younger tugs at Vernon’s bottom lip. Vernon’s hands are under Seungkwan’s shirt and the latter shivers. He moves his fingers, outlining the body underneathe the boy. His fingers hit something long and rigid by his side and vernon makes a note to ask about it later. Seungkwan does this thing when he rolls his hips and it drives vernon _crazy_. 

But vernon thinks back to that night. Thinks to how his was hard, and fast. He can't even fully remember the person. He doesn't want that to be for seungkwan. And that's the thing. There are so many things that vernon doesn't want for him.

He doesn't want him to be hurt

He doesn't want him to feel alone

He doesn't want him to leave

But he also doesn't want this to be something that seungkwan will regret. It's been stolen from him, it won't be the same for seungkwan. So, with much regret (Seriously, this is probably the hardest thing vernon will ever do) he rests his hands on seungkwan's chest and lightly pushes. The younger of the two’s eyes are still fluttered shut when vernon opens his eyes.

“wait, this isn't-”

“Don't you want me?” And God, vernon does. He wants him so bad. But he wants it in a way that they'll both remember. He wants to take his time. Show him something that he never had the chance to get. He also wants to know more than his first name. Vernon can't articulate how he wants to wait without making it seem like he's rejecting him. So, instead he places a chaste kiss on the other's lips. He's motioning towards the window. It's night and how long has seungkwan been here? Vernon then moves his gaze towards the bed and it takes seungkwan a second to get it. When he does, he gets up and moves towards the bed. As he walks, he takes off his shoes, pants. Vernon does the same.

“I want to know you” Seungkwan whispers. Vernon chuckles at that. _Vernon_  doesn't even know vernon. How is he supposed to tell this boy anything about himself if he can't even think of anything besides those parties. Party. Oh well, There's always next week.

They lay facing each other in the dark. All that vernon can make out is the movement of seungkwan's chest going up and down. They're stiff in their positions for a good ten minutes before they decide to get comfortable. And by comfortable, they mean seungkwan laying out over vernon, and Vernon’s snores in seungkwan's ears. When Minghao and Jun come back later in the night, they don't ask questions.

                                    / /

When morning arrives, it comes with the sound of birds and construction on the new gym. It's like every other morning that vernon wakes up except this time there's something weighing him down. He wasn't dumb enough to bring someone from the party back to his dorm, was he? Vernon’s hand is still fast asleep and he's seriously going to kill this person for making him sleep in this position. Fuck, it's his bed. If anyone should hog it; it should be him. But a swift wipe of the crust out of his eyes has vernon thinking that this morning couldn't get any better. He sees seungkwan laying on his chest. Silent snores coming out of his mouth. Vernon thinks he feels a small amount of drool on his chest but he can always wash it later.

The previous night comes back to him in waves.

Seungkwan's hands. Seungkwan's lips. Seungkwan. Seungkwan.

who is laid over him. His body is weighing vernon down so much so that he can't move without disturbing the other. Maybe it's a good thing. Because right now, they don't have class. His alarm won't go off because he smashed it a couple weeks ago in a blind rage. Minghao and Jun are probably on a breakfast date (Seriously?? Breakfast date? Only Minghao) So that just leaves them two. Vernon looks around and sees the sun begin to shine in through the window. Vernon watches as it hits the top of seungkwan's hair. Brown turning into shimmering light. Seungkwan shifts on top of him and scrunches up his nose. Vernon lets out an airy laugh. As they lay there, vernon comes to the conclusion that seungkwan is soft. He's so soft and warm, inside and out. He's the exact opposite of vernon and the boy thinks that seungkwan just might have been appointed to save his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you guys like the pace of the story?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I'M SORRY  
> Over the past couple weeks I had been prepping for kcon NY, trying to get my school registration and stuff in order, babysitting so apologies. I hope you guys are still with me.  
> here's my tumblr if you want to message me there: do-i-say-something-witty.tumblr.com
> 
> As always, feedback, kudos, comments are all appreciated!!

Dates. 

Seungkwan hates them. They've always been something to be pestered about. 

January 3rd, 2013. 

That's the day seungkwan had came out. His parents hadn't really had reactions. They'd stayed quiet for a few minutes before saying that they'd always support him. 

 

March 15th, 2014.

Seungkwan got his first boyfriend. He was taller than him by 5 inches, liked listening to rock songs. He was refreshing to the boy and he almost always had a smile on his face. 

Seungkwan wasn't having a very good day. His parents were fighting and he had yelled at his lover. 

He had opened his mouth to apologize when he was thrust back into the table. His side had hit the edge of the table and he could feel his eyes beginning to well up. 

His boyfriend had pinned him against it and that smile had turned into a snarl. Threatening. Cold. “You watch how you speak to me” 

 

April 6th, 2014

They had broken up. It was with an almost sad frown when seungkwan had said it. They were outside of his house and the other was pleading to him. Cheeks flushing red. 

“I just got upset” 

“I would never hurt you” 

Seungkwan is trying to black it out. He's heard these excuses before. And true, Maybe the most his boyfriend has done is push him or hold his wrist a little too tight. But seungkwan doesn't want to see what will happen if he actually lets this keep going. 

So, he snatches his arm away and tries not to wince. 

Later that night, he had to turn off his phone to stop the incoming calls and texts. 

 

May 10, 2016

Seungkwan is here. 

He's tangled in the sheets with someone who smells like vanilla and axe spray. An odd combination in the light of day, but right now, in the dew of wet grass and light fog it seems to be the only thing that keeps the jeju-do native grounded. 

This Leonardo dicaprio doppelganger is snoring lightly and the sunlight makes his hair look like they are sprinkled in pixie dust. 

There's commotion going on outside and seungkwan remembers that he has a free period. He thinks that it could be spent just staring at vernon. But, by the way the birds are chirping, the younger thinks he may have gotten up a little too early. 

So he quietly lays his head back down and breathes in. 

 

* 

 

When he wakes again, it's still to the sound of construction and really? That gym has been getting remodeled for months. There's a serious lack of heat beside him and he can't help but to plop back down in disappointment. He hears a door knob turn and when he looks over, he finds vernon with hair dripping wet and a toothbrush hanging between his lips. 

“Morning, Sunshine” 

Seungkwan rolls his eyes at the nickname. It's then that the events of the previous night come back. 

It happens fast. 

Usually, Seungkwan can count it down or get someplace by himself before it happens and all seungkwan can think is “Not now. Not now.”

It's all coming back to him in waves. 

The call, happens when the tide comes in. 

Seungkwan starting to cry is when the tide reaches his ankles. If he closes his eyes, he can feel the water move him deeper into the ocean. 

He's waist high when he gets back to Vernon’s room. 

Seungkwan watches as the water reels back before smashing into him. He's filling his lungs up with salt water when he kisses vernon. 

 

They didn't even really have sex but the morning after is just as bad. Seungkwan wants to vomit and apologize all at the same time. His body is beginning to heat up and he knows his face is turning red.

He feels the bed dip and hands on his face, shifting his gaze. 

He's staring into brown eyes and a furrowed brow. Vernon’s voice is getting further away from him as he's being asked what's wrong. It's too close. It's too soon. It's too  _ hot _ . 

Vernon’s questions seem to bounce off of Seungkwan’s mind and he can't formulate a proper answer. Nothing but syllables and stammers.

“Breathe, Seungkwan. Can you breathe?” 

“I-I don't. I can't- I’m sorry” 

“Sorry for what?” Vernon’s voice is starting to quiver and seungkwan wants to apologize more.  Why? Why is seungkwan here with this guy having a panic attack for reasons not even seungkwan fully understands. 

“Come on, Come on. Let me get dressed and then we can-” 

“S-Stop” 

“Seungkwan-” 

“Stop!” he yelled. Why'd he yell? Damn it, Seungkwan. Stupid Seungkwan. He closes his eyes and is breathing in and out. Like ms.titties taught him. 

In

Out

1

2

Happy

Place

_ Fuck. _

_ This. _

“Baby, Baby. Come on, breathe. Breathe for me” and seungkwan is  _ trying _ . He's trying so hard but it's not enough. 

It's never enough

                        X.                 X

It's almost lunch time. 

That's how long it takes seungkwan to calm down. If he had timed it, he could swear that he had a new record. It's not the first time seungkwan has missed a school day due to his attacks and he's pretty sure he passed out at least once but he can't really remember.

Vernon is gone and Seungkwan isn't sure if he should leave or not. He's taken up enough of this bed and pretty soon he might leave a permanent indentation in the folds. 

 

He looks around for his belongings when he hears the front door knob begin to rattle. 

He's clamoring for things and he throws on something that he thinks is his shirt before coming face-to-face with the door culprit. 

“That's my shirt” 

Minghao is giggling at how big it looks on him. Seungkwan looks down and yup. That is not his shirt. 

It's a little baggy with a picture of a cat on the pocket. 

Cute.

“Sorry, I was just-” Seungkwan scurries to remove the fabric and hand it to him.

“Vernon’s on his way. I saw him walking with food. I asked if any of it was for me. He said no. So I left him there to struggle.” Minghao says matter-of-factly. At that, seungkwan lets out an airy laugh. 

“Soo, you're the person vernon has been occupied with” 

Occupied? 

“Um, well, I've only met him like twice. I don't think I've actually fully occupied-” 

“You made him miss the party” 

Seungkwan watches as Minghao steps over the forgotten dirty clothes on the floor and wow he must have long legs because seungkwan is  _ sure _ it only takes him like four steps to reach the younger. For a beat, they're just looking at each other. Seungkwan hands begin to sweat. He thinks that maybe Minghao is one of Vernon’s party friends too. Maybe seungkwan made Minghao have to go to the party and get high alone. There's nothing more pathetic, after all. 

 

“Thanks” 

Huh? 

“he hasn't missed a party in, ever. I thought I'd have to drag him back again” 

Drag him? Do these parties really break their guests down so much? 

 

“Gee, thanks so much for helping me mingy. Really. I appreciate it. My back doesn't hurt at all” 

Seungkwan can feel his heart begin to beat faster in his chest and he's not sure if that means he's happy or not.

“You are the one that let me starve.  _ Me? _ Your personal throw up blanket? I have ruined many a shirt for you and you couldn't even get me a-” 

Minghao is stopped by an egg roll in his mouth. 

“here.” 

“Thank you. I have to study. I'll see you later. Love you. Don't have sex on my bed” Minghao shouts as the Door closes behind him. 

Vernon clears his throat as he kicks a pile of clothes in a designated pattern so that there's is a clean spot on the floor. 

“I didn't know what you liked so I just got whatever.” 

Vernon laughs as he sets the bag down. 

Seungkwan watches as he scratches the back of his head and he wonders when this awkward spell will die down. 

“I’m okay with anything” 

Seungkwan sits on the clean area and crosses his legs. His eyes go wide at just how much vernon bought. 

No way they can eat all this. 

Vernon must have noticed how big his eyes were because he's just as quickly apologizing with a laugh. 

“Sorry I was a little nervous so I over spent” 

“Nervous?” 

“yeah, I mean, I wasn't sure if you'd want to eat. Or what you liked to eat. And With what happened earlier and- you probably don't want to talk about it.”

Vernon is starting to ramble.

Not good. 

The room is filled with the sound of chewing for at least ten minutes before either of them speaks. 

“I'm sorry. About last night. And this morning. I shouldn't have done any of that to you. You don't deserve that” 

Vernon would disagree. 

“Believe Me, I've had many borderline pathetic moments with Minghao. You're not alone in that matter” 

Pathetic? Was seungkwan pathetic? Did vernon see him that way? He didn't mean to be pathetic. Honest, he didn’t. 

It's silent after that and seungkwan is both grateful and happy about it. It's warm in here and there's no pressure to talk about anything. But, with that comes  _ nothing _ to talk about; and seungkwan wants to. Maybe not forever, but seungkwan does want to know vernon. 

“Did you know there are more nipples in the world than people?”

Great first question, Seungkwan. Really. That was the best thing you could've said. 

“Did you know cats spend sixty-six percent of their lives asleep?” and seungkwan can't say that he did know that. 

“I like Dogs mostly” Seungkwan replies with a bite of his shrimp fried rice 

“Really? I would've pictured you as a cat person” 

“and what gave you that idea?” 

“oh you know, from the way you cuddled up to me when you slept” 

Seungkwan’s cheeks begin to redden and he finds his food way more interesting than this conversation. 

He's tossing and turning his food between his chopsticks and he  _ knows _ he's smiling like an idiot. 

“Yeah, well you snore” 

Great comeback. 

Vernon’s laugh is a lullaby to Seungkwan’s ears and he wants to hear it always. 

 

“So, your roommate is funny.” Seungkwan says, recalling his more than embarrassing shirt moment a few minutes ago. 

“No, he's not. He's just good at making people smile. Please, don't ever tell him that. He will never stop repeating it” 

Duly noted. 

“My professor just might kill me” Seungkwan says in between bites. 

Curiosity wins over vernon and he's asking why. 

“I had a test I needed to do today. It's already my second make-up. She's been so nice to me with letting me do it again and I'm pretty sure I've ran out of time” 

They're half way done with their meal for ten when a light bulb flashes above Vernon’s head. 

“What's her name?” 

“huh?” 

“the teacher.” 

“Mrs. Troy” 

Vernon starts to smile and seungkwan is seriously wondering what he got himself into. 

“Come on.” Vernon is jumping up and putting everything together before seungkwan is finished with his noodles. 

“Where are we going?” 

Vernon doesn't answer. Only puts the leftover food on minghao’s bed and writes a quick note for him and Josh to enjoy before reaching his arm out. 

“Do you trust me?” 

“Not if you're going to be quoting Disney movies” 

Seungkwan genuinely laughs before standing up. 

They make their way out of the dorm and vernon is walking him to the exit. 

“Where are we going?” he asks again. 

“Mrs. Troy loves me. Honestly, I think she'd hit this if I was older” Vernon smirks and winks in seungkwan's direction. 

“I’m sure with a little persuasion she'd be willing to let you take your test” 

And wow. Seungkwan is at a loss. As they're feet get closer to the building seungkwan is starting to poke holes in this plan. 

  1. Mrs. Troy is probably on her lunch break. 
  2. How the hell are they even going to find her?
  3. Even if they do, what could vernon do to make her be _that_ nice



They bypass a couple of staff and students on their way to class or home. 

“She likes to eat in the cafeteria with us. Makes her “feel young again””. Vernon is grabbing seungkwan's wrist and pulling him in this direction and the next and seungkwan is still registering what exactly it is that they're doing. 

 

“There she is” 

Mrs. Troy is sitting at the table by the doors in the back of the café. Seungkwan watches as she takes out her salad. Placing her napkin directly on her lap. Straightening it once, twice before laying out everything else in her bag in a  Particular spot and seungkwan thinks maybe teachers with OCD shouldn't work with students.  

“watch my magic” Vernon whispers before sauntering over and  _ did he really just push his hair back?  _

Seungkwan's feet are carrying him over long before his brain can object and he's being reintroduced to his teacher.

The whole conversation goes in one ear and out the other but vernon smirks at mrs. Troy and seungkwan walks away with another deadline. 

 

As they're walking back to the dorms, seungkwan wonders how many people vernon has used that tactic on. 

 

“Not many. Most people come to me first” 

_ Oh my god _ . If seungkwan does this one more time- 

“Do you want to talk about last night?” 

Well, that came straight out of left field. 

And really what's there to talk about? Seungkwan learned some information about his dad that vernon doesn't know and proceeded to kiss him for reasons that vernon doesn't know. No matter how many ways seungkwan will spin it, he'll always be leaving out something or sharing too much about something and seungkwan doesn't even know why vernon  _ likes _ him. 

Wait. Did vernon even say he likes him? He can't remember much after their kiss. Is seungkwan just some kid that vernon wants to mentor or something? Seungkwan has too many questions. For both himself and vernon and he's not any closer to getting any of them answered. 

The sun is going down and seungkwan can't tell if vernon is still talking or not. But he's been looking at the ground for a while now and everything in his perrifrial is starting to blur. 

Maybe seungkwan was wrong for kissing vernon. Maybe he was wrong for staying. There are too many ‘maybe’s’ swimming in seungkwan's head and nothing is concrete anymore. 

When he manages to look back up, he realizes he's stopped in his place and vernon is nowhere to be found.

 


	6. UPDATE

HI guys, Gaby here   
First off, I want to say sorry it's been so long since I've updated this story. I promise I'm not forgetting it or stopping it. I'v just started taking classes at my cc and on top of that I've been babysitting like everyday and haven't had the time to write 

I promise, if you stick with me I will update this story,before the month is up. Thank you all,again for reading, liking, leaving comments. It means a lot.   
Gaby


	7. Chapter 6 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUUUUUYYYSS  
> I'M SO HAPPY TO THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE STUCK AROUND AND BEEN GREAT IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME AND FOR YOU AND THOSE JUST COMING TO THE STORY, FOR BEING SO GREAT I AM DOING A 2 PART SPECIAL/CHAPTER COOL? DON'T WORRY I PROMISE I WILL BE FINISHED BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER I WORKED REALLY HARD ON IT

Seungkwan finds out on a Friday. He’s passed his mid-term with a C (C+ if you ask him) he and Vernon have been talking more and more.  “I’m Sorry” has become Seungkwan’s second language when it comes to him. But he’s learned that Vernon likes to rap in his free time and that his lips taste like chocolate and vodka on most nights. Vernon still goes to the parties but he’s going less and less than he used to and Seungkwan thinks that’s a win.

 Seungkwan has discovered that Vernon looks beautiful on his worst days. When his demons have creeped up and are itching at his neck. When there’s no amount of alcohol to numb his drowning. When he’s clawing at Seungkwan’s clothes and rutting against him, wanting to keep hold of the last thing tethering him to sanity. When the night ends, Vernon is placing chaste kisses on the island native’s shoulders as he lays his head on his chest. They’re in the same position in the morning when Seungkwan’s phone rings.

“Hello?” The familiar voice greets him.  It’s 8 o’clock in the morning and if he hadn’t came so hard he was shaking last night he might be pissed off.

“Mrs. Matthews. Is everything okay?” He knew his dad’s trial would happen soon but he thought it was planned for next month at least. She only ever called when it was something to do with his dad. “Oh, yes, everything is fine. I just had something I wanted to talk to you about”

Vernon stirs next to him and Seungkwan tries to get up without waking him. The bathroom door locks behind him before he speaks.

“What is it? Is my dad okay? Has the date been moved up?” Seungkwan is starting to talk fast and Mrs. Matthews has to chuckle in order to bring him back to reality.

“Everything is fine. The date is still set for next month; the 28th to be exact. Will you still be able to make it? It might sway the judge if you testified, as I’ve already told you” and yeah- he knows. He knows very well that “in most cases, especially one this horrific, for the prosecuted to have someone on his side could very well sway the judge to be a little lenient. He’s still going to serve a lot of time but with your help, he could shave off a few years”. It was one of the first things that she told him after they met- after “Hello”. His dad had given him his best puppy dog eyes before the meeting ended a few minutes later. They talked about their defense and how they wanted to claim “Insanity”. How the people who were affected where also going to testify against him and that if Seungkwan ever wanted to see his father again without having to sit across from him in a glass box, this was the only way. He hasn’t given an answer yet.

“What I was calling you about today was that, your father would like to see you. He’s in a maximum security prison as of right now, in protection with limited access to the outside and-“

“Protection?”

“…Yes. One of the other inmates had found out what happened. That one of the deceased was a little girl; he- didn’t take it lightly”. So his dad was hurt? How bad must it have been if his dad had to be moved into protection?

“He wanted to meet with his family before the trial. Just to tie up loose ends I suppose. I tried contacting your mother but she hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. Could you come sometime today? The sooner I can log your visit in for the record, the better”.

No. He really doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to sit across his father for god knows how long with nothing but a glass window separating them. He would much prefer a whole city. And what is he even supposed to say to him?

“Hey dad thanks for figuratively and literally scarring me for the rest of my life. How’s Prison?”

And how would he even get there? He only has his permit and hasn’t actually even started driving school. He knows what a few signs mean and he did drive that one time on the highway but that’s nothing compared to long hours in a car by himself with nothing to think about but his ever impending meeting with his father. He hears the front door open and minghao comes in. He drops his grocery bags on the floor before putting his keys up on the rack next to his bed and Seungkwan suddenly has a plan.

 

 

                                                                                                                                    TT

“I’m going too” Vernon says matter-of-factly. Seungkwan is sitting on the couch with his arms folded. He barely had enough time to tell Vernon exactly what it is he wanted to do before Vernon was washing his face and getting his favorite shirt.

“You don’t have to. It’s just for the day and-“

“-Plus me and kwanny here haven’t really gotten to know each other yet. It can be like a buddy field trip” Minghao says by the door; his keys already twirling in-between his fingers.

“-If you think I’m going to let you, the craziest driver I’ve ever met, go on a 24 hour getaway with my boyfriend you’re crazy” _Boyfriend?_ He and Vernon hadn’t even talked about labels yet. But Seungkwan can’t deny his stomach beginning to flutter at the word.

“Hey, you’re still alive aren’t you?”

“Barely, do you remember the road trip a few months ago?”

“Oh, you mean the one where you were drunk for most of it and fucking your way through 2 cities?”

Vernon clears his throat and minghao gives Seungkwan a look that he thinks means “Sorry”.

But Seungkwan himself chuckles at their memories and he silently hopes he’ll be around long enough to make some of his own.

“Want me to pick up Josh? He’s off today.”

“Suure, let’s just bring everybody on the top secret getaway. Where are we even going?” Minghao looks over at Seungkwan who’s fiddling with his fingers.

Vernon’s curiosity gets the best of him and he’s asking Seungkwan the same question not a minute later.

“To go see my dad”

*

Joshua is reluctant to go. Something about having to study for a test but Vernon promises him chicken when they get there and Joshua calls Front Seat.

 It’s quiet for the first few minutes of the ride. Nothing but the radio to keep everyone company. Vernon is looking out the window and Joshua is reminding Minghao to not go so fast. Seungkwan is stuck.

He doesn’t know what to say. Minghao has put in the address in his GPS but he hasn’t said anything to Seungkwan about it. The ride should take a few hours and nobody is sure on how to make up for that time. Should Seungkwan crack jokes and tell minghao to stop the car so he can’t take deep looking photos? Should he and Vernon cuddle in the backseat while Seungkwan regales the tales of where exactly it is that they’re going? He’s never really told Vernon what happened and how he got his scar. He just explained it as an accident when he was a kid.

Seungkwan feels guilty. Vernon thinks he’s this pure, innocent, being with rosy cheeks but if he really knew the things that lurked in his mind. The things that happened to him, even Vernon would back away slowly.

“I’m hungry mingy, can we stop?”

“No, we haven’t even officially left the state yet.”

“But, if I don’t eat my stomach will start to hurt, and you know how I get when I don’t eat.” Joshua is starting to pout and Vernon is starting to groan and Seungkwan is starting to rethink this decision. A bus pass wouldn’t have been that hard to get.

“Fine. But your gas money debt is raised.”

 

They stop at a local burger place. Seungkwan remembers it used to be called “Burger Palace” but now there’s a funny man that greet you when you enter and now it’s called “Burger Burger”.

“Large fry and double hamburger here I come” Joshua says, swinging the door open.

“I want half.” Vernon says.

“Bull. Get your own.”

“Unlike you, I have self control and am saving my money for Ihop” Vernon says. He’s sitting down in a booth waiting for the others to order their food. Seungkwan is standing next to the doorway. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to shake this awkward wave over him.

“Come here” Vernon waves his hand, ushering Seungkwan over to him. When Seungkwan gets within reaching distance, Vernon grabs his waist and pulls him in. He can’t lie about how hearing Seungkwan laugh lifts his spirits.

“Are you okay?” Seungkwan shrugs at the question. He never has a straight answer for it.

“I just...haven’t seen my dad in a while. That’s all”

“Did something happen between you guys?” More than something. Seungkwan’s fingers are interesting him again and maybe it’s become a nervous tick. He should see someone about that.

Maybe he should tell him. Vernon does have his own demons so nothing can be so bad, right? I mean, what are they going to do? Drive like two hours back to the school then break up dramatically? It sounds silly just when Seungkwan thinks about it.

“Well, when I was little my dad-“

“Okay! Food is here, let’s go!”

He’ll try again at another stop.

 

 

 The rest of the ride is spent with Seungkwan dozing off in Vernon’s lap and Minghao and Joshua singing along to car jingles.

 By the time they reach the prison, it’s a little after lunch time. Minghao should be in the book of world records for fastest driver without getting a ticket.

The prison is more intimidating than Seungkwan remembers.

“Whoa, was your dad a drug smuggler or something?”

“Gosh, Josh, watch your language. God is watching”. Seungkwan notices how Vernon seems to tense up a little, despite the joke.

There’s a guard that waves them over and tells minghao where to park. The atmosphere has almost instantly changed and the only two people who were expecting the scenery aren’t saying anything.

They have to wait for someone to come to open each door and then they’re being separated into rooms to check for “goodies” (Seungkwan figured it was Prison Slang for contraband).

When they’re reunited, they each have a sticker that says “Visitor” on it and there’s one more door they have to go through before Seungkwan is face-to-face with Mrs. Matthews.

“Good Afternoon, Seungkwan. Who are all these people?”

He looks back and every one of his friends is staring at him with intrigue. Nobody is saying anything and Joshua is suddenly feeling cold.

“These are my friends-Minghao, Joshua, and Vernon. They came for support I guess “That sentence surprisingly came out well. He didn’t even stutter once, new record.

“Um, well okay. Are they coming in with you? There is a waiting area down the hall if they don’t want to.”

The guard that waits at the door gives them a reassuring smile.

Seungkwan feels someone take his hand and he looks over to Vernon. Who’s looking at him as if to ask “Will you be okay?” and one things Seungkwan has learned from his dad is that no emotions in this place is good emotions. So he silently nods and squeezes his hand back.

“Right this way then. It shouldn’t take long”

Seungkwan is led into a room with an uncomfortable chair and a something on the wall with a red button.  

It’s not even a minute later that the other door opens and a guard walks in, then Seungkwan’s nightmare. He looks as if he’s aged a thousand years. His right eye is closed shut and there are patches of white cloth on his neck. Seungkwan feels bad for him.

“Hello, Son. You look good. How have you been?” His voice is raspier than Seungkwan remembers as well. He can tell that being in here has broken him down.

“Um, I’ve been okay. I have A...um...Vernon”

“Really? How long? Has your mother met him yet?”

His dad shifts in his seat and the handcuffs on his wrists are ringing in his ears.

He clears his throat and is it getting hot in here?

“So, listen, have you made up your mind? The trial is getting closer and closer and-“

“Yeah, Mrs. Matthews told me when she called; at 8 this morning, by the way. You can’t tell your lawyer to call when I’m actually awake?”

“Sorry about that. But it was important.” 

It’s always important.

 

“So, are you?”

“I haven’t really decided yet. I mean, what with school and I’m trying to visit Mom more and I still have my meetings with my therapist and you know I’ve just been really busy but-“

Seungkwan jumps when his father bangs his wrists on the metal table. The guard has to give him a warning to calm down.

“Seungkwan, I need you on this one”. This small room is only getting smaller as his father’s voice echoes in his head.

“Seungkwan look at me” He didn’t realize he was actually looking down until his father demands him to look at him again; this time with more Bass in his voice.

“I need an answer from you.”

Seungkwan doesn’t know what to say. His dad is giving him that look he always gave when he was in trouble. Seungkwan can’t breathe anymore.

His chest feels tight again and his breathing exercises aren’t working.

“Seungkwan” his dad is calling his name again and it’s not to ask if he’s okay.

“SEUNGKWAN” The boy whimpers at his name and he gets up and looks around. When he finds what he’s looking for, he presses it and his foot begins to tap against the floor as he waits.

Mrs. Matthews comes and opens the door and the last thing he hears before he’s rushing down the hall is the sound of his father banging on the glass window.

                                                                                ^

Seungkwan’s eyes are pierced with tears as he rounds the corner for the waiting room. When he gets there, everybody is looking at him with concern.

“Hey, what happened?” Joshua asks

Vernon is instantly at his side, telling him to calm down.

Seungkwan grabs Vernon’s shirt and pulls him in; burying his face in his neck and trying to calm his breathing.

“Here, let’s sit down.” Minghao suggests but Seungkwan shakes his head.

“Can we just go?”

And they do


	8. Chapter 6 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dusts off keyboard*  
> hey guys  
> Okay so I had major writers block with this story for some reason but I had a spark and kind of just started writing it again last night at work, which means how you read it is how I wrote it. No rough draft or anything. Hopefully you guys like it. This chapter will be Minghao centric for the most part. so POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD.  
> I hope this chapter is well worth the wait and I'll be getting back to updating this story as always Kudos, Comments, etc. are all appreciated!!  
> Gaby

Vernon spent the week after that visit, making sure Seungkwan was okay in every sense of the word. He let the boy sleep in as much as he wanted, Kissed him whenever and wherever he could. Whether it was chaste kisses to the back of his neck when they were studying or a full on make out session that left Seungkwan’s head spinning. And Vernon wasn’t alone in the mission of a “Help Seungkwan forget”. Joshua had offered him as many free tickets and pizza as he wanted (Under the table of course), Minghao had spent the better part of the day doding on the shorter. Even going as far as to think about cancelling his date with Jun to watch over him. But, with a stern look from Seungkwan, decided against it.

Which just left Vernon. Seungkwan came to realize that, although he was visibly upset, never explained _why_ he had reacted the way he did. Vernon, for the most part, had been honest with Seungkwan about himself, the most the younger could do was return the favor.

So, here they were. Seungkwan sitting on his bed for the Hundredth time, Vernon opposite him.

“What’d you want to talk about?”

“When we went to go see my dad..I never told you why I..I never told you what happened”

“You don’t have to” and yeah. Seungkwan doesn’t _have_ to but he wants to.

So, he takes as deep a breath as he can.

“About a year ago, me and my dad got into an accident…”

   When he finishes, he’s probably seen Vernon’s face emote in every possible way. Relief that Seungkwan is okay; more or less. Anger at his dad for not only risking his life but Seungkwan’s as well.  Pity for him because Vernon and his friends have been in that position. Worry that he probably won’t even make it to the trial, if he looked as bad as Seungkwan described. Happiness that Seungkwan trusted him enough to share this.

“What do you want to do?” Vernon asks, undoubtedly referring to the trial that is inching closer and closer. Seungkwan honestly doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to completely abandon his dad. It’s almost understandable. How he was feeling and why he wanted to end it. But, it doesn’t excuse how it affected all those other families, and his own. It honestly hurts too much to think about it anymore so he just shrugs and hopes that suffices.

When Vernon nods, the conversation is dropped.

                                                                                                *

It’s midnight when it happens. Vernon has just come down from probably the best blow job he’s ever gotten. (Maybe it’s because he’s actually sober this time). Vernon is convinced that more than Seungkwan himself, his tongue is blessed by god.

They’re wrapped in each other when the door handle starts jiggling. It’s erratic and fast and the person on the other side must be insane. Vernon jumps up, slipping on some sweatpants. He has to carefully step over the various objects littering the floor to get to the baseball bat next to the bathroom. He raises it high above his head and prepares for the impending bloodshed.

What greets him when he opens the door is much worst.

 Minghao is standing on the other side, eyes bloodshot with tears and clothes disheveled. When he spots Vernon, he’s crashing into him and sobbing into his neck. Vernon lets the bat slip from his fingers, opting for his roommate’s back.

“What happened?” Vernon’s voice is deep and sullen. Minghao was supposed to be out with Jun tonight. So, if his best friend is here, in this state, the only logical answer would be because of _him._

Minghao doesn’t register Vernon bringing him across the room, sitting him on his bed.

“Mingy, talk to us.” Seungkwan says, rubbing small circles on his back.

Minghao’s voice shutters as he tries to take some control back and he opens his mouth.

                                                                                *

_“How’s your friend doing?” Jun asks._

_“I think he’s getting better” Minghao says. The taxi ride to Jun’s hotel isn’t very far. Maybe fifteen minutes. But, they like to be alone for as long as they can when they’re together and this is one of the most efficient ways they can._

_When they reach his room, they’re barely inside before Minghao is attaching their lips together. It’s rushed and heated. Jun’s tongue tracing Minghao’s bottom lip, asking for entrance. When Minghao opens his mouth, it’s suddenly a fight between who’s tongue can be more dominant. Jun’s arms wrap around his waist and hoists Minghao up. Laughs fill the air as Jun’s hands fumble and bring them both crashing to the floor._

_“I think you broke my ass” Minghao chuckles out._

_“Let me make it up to you.” Jun grins and brings his mouth to his boyfriend’s neck, slightly biting down. Minghao lets out a gasp and rocks his hips against Jun’s crotch; sending a shock to their systems._

_“I missed you” Jun says, eyes looking through Minghao._

_“We talked last night”_

_“That’s different. Now, I can kiss you-“he kisses  Minghao’s cheek._

_“I can touch you” He brings his palm down to Minghao’s crotch, palming him through his jeans. If anything, minghao’s sex faces were the best. Jun likes seeing him unravel beneath him. Minghao’s mouth makes an “O” shape and he’s moaning out Jun’s name._

_Jun’s smirk could send shivers down Satan’s spine and minghao is no different. Jun begins to rock his hips against Minghao and Jun marvels at how easy it is to get him riled up._

_Minghao’s eyes flutter shut as Jun captures his lips in another kiss and his arms go to grasp at the carpet._

_Jun’s fingers go up the length of minghao’s arm, wrapping around his forearm and squeezing._

_It’s a dominant thing he likes to do. Whether it’s squeezing minghao’s ass or his waist. But, Jun is squeezing too tight and Minghao can practically feel his wounds reopening. It’s just as excruciating as when he first made them and he’s wincing his arm away._

_Jun has stopped in his tracks and he’s looking at his boyfriend. Worry and questions taking place of Lust._

_“You don’t know your own strength sometimes, Superman.” Minghao laughs._

_“Are you okay?”_

_Minghao pushes down his pain and nods. In a swift motion, he’s changing their position so he’s sitting on Jun’s lap; facing him. He kisses down his neck and chest._

_“Come on.” Jun suggests and he’s bringing them both to the sofa._

_Minghao places his hands on the top of the couch, to keep himself steady. And Jun slurs out a moan that sounds like his name. Minghao breathes out a laugh._

_“What’s so funny?” Jun asks, tilting his head back so it connects with the sofa._

_“Nothing” Minghao continues his trail down Jun’s body._

_Jun turns his head and stretches out his neck, opening his eyes, if only for a second._

_He jerks his body up so fast, it almost knocks minghao off the sofa completely._

_“God, are you_ trying _to send me to the hospital?” he asks. He looks at Jun’s face, following his gaze, he snatches his arm back so fast he’s sure Jun has whiplash._

_“Is that b-“_

_“It’s nothing” Minghao says. His mind is starting to race and this was_ not _how this talk was supposed to go. He’s jumping off Jun’s lap, eyes scanning the room for any of his things that might’ve been discarded._

_“What are you doing?” Jun’s voice is faint in his ears._

_“Stop” Minghao is grabbing his shoes._

_“Minghao” He’s stepping towards the door._

_“Damn it” Jun spins the taller around, trapping him between himself and the wall. Minghao’s tears are streaming fast and he’s whimpering like a new born calf who needs its mom. Jun has his sleeve and he’s yanking it up, almost stopping when he hears his lover wince. The wounds have reopened, if only a little. He does the same to Minghao’s other arm. The cuts on that arm are jagged and long healed and Jun’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of their sockets. He’s backing away and Minghao is opening his mouth, trying to figure out something to say._

_“How long?” Jun asks, looking at the carpet._

_“Longer than we’ve been-“Jun Scoffs._

_“I was going to tell you. I-”_

_“Then why didn’t you?!” Jun’s voice is harsh, it makes his boyfriend wince and Minghao has never felt so small._

_“I couldn’t. There wasn’t- it’s not something that you just say to your boyfriend.”_

_“Is it because of me? Did I do something to hurt you?” Minghao is shaking his head fast and stepping towards Jun. But, Jun is backing away. His back hits the opposite wall and he’s sliding down it._

_“_ Why _would you do this to yourself?!” Jun screams. Minghao is hiccupping and trying to take some control back but his worst nightmare is being realized right in front of him and he needs to go. His shoes are slipped on and he’s running out the front door._

_Jun doesn’t stop him._

_*_

Vernon, Seungkwan and Minghao have become one big cuddle puddle on Minghao’s bed. With his head on Vernon’s chest and Seungkwan’s arms wrapped around his waist. There’s nothing either of them can do except be there.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Mingy.” Seungkwan says, sniffling.

“Fucking asshole. Listen, I’ll stay up with you, Okay? I’ll even call Josh and tell him to come over.” Vernon says, reaching for his phone.

“No, let him sleep. At least one of our lives has to be drama free.” Minghao says, wiping under his chin.

“I’ll, let you guys have some alone time. This seems like an “inner family” thing” Seungkwan says. As he goes to maneuver off the bed, Vernon is pulling him back.

“If you don’t think you’re a part of the “Inner family” you’re crazy” Vernon says, landing a kiss onto Seungkwan’s cheek.

 

The morning brings the smell of waffles and bacon. When they open their eyes, Joshua is sitting on the ground, arranging their makeshift breakfast. When everybody catches sight of the food, they’re diving.

Joshua stops them with his arms stretched out.

“First, I want an apology” When Vernon gives him a furrowed brow as a question, Joshua folds his arms.

“I can’t believe you guys had a cuddle puddle without me. You know I love cuddle puddles” he pouts.

Vernon and Minghao share glances before stepping over the food and dog piling on top of Joshua, bringing him down onto Vernon’s bed.

Laughter is filling the air and it’s almost like last night never happened.

“Can we eat now? Cold waffles are disgusting” Seungkwan asks.  
“How’d you even know to come over?” Minghao asks when they’re all settled in a somewhat circle. If a circle meant Minghao and Joshua sitting up against Vernon’s bed and Vernon and Seungkwan up against Minghao’s with Seungkwan’s legs substituting for a table, as they’re spread over Vernon’s lap.

Vernon muffles out a reasoning between chewing of texting him when Minghao and Seungkwan had fell asleep.

“Swallow, then talk.” Minghao says.

“Honestly, screw Jun. Just date Josh instead. At least he comes with homemade waffles”. Vernon smirks. It’s a well-kept secret between Joshua and Minghao that they once tried making out. It ended with them laughing and saying they were better off as friends.

 

They’re almost finished with the breakfast when knocking comes to the door. Followed by Minghao’s name.

“You want to answer it?”  Joshua asks.

“Why should he? What kind of guy just lets his boyfriend leave after finding out something like that? Assholes. That’s who.” Vernon says.

Joshua rolls his eyes at Vernon before turning to Minghao.

“Was he actually made at _you_?” He asks

“What do you mean?” Minghao asks.

“Maybe he was just frustrated with the whole thing. It’s not every day your boyfriend tells you he’s been secretly hurting himself”. Leave it to Saint Joshua to always think rationally.

Minghao looks at the door, then to his friends. They watch as he sighs and stands up, brushing off his pants and stepping over the various plates.

When he opens the door, Jun is grabbing his waist. Bringing him into his chest.

Minghao’s face scrunches in confusion.  
“Last night, you- I thought you hated me.”

“I love you” Jun counters. His voice rough.

“It killed me to know that you were doing that to yourself and I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t want you to know. I know it’s a stupid way to-“

“Stop.” Jun says.

“Just, can you talk to me first? Whenever you’re feeling like.. doing that to yourself again, talk to me. I don’t care if it’s three in the morning or eleven at night. Okay?” Jun’s voice has become softer, but still stern.

Minghao only nods.

“oh my _god!_ You guys are like a cheesy soap opera!” Vernon yells as he chucks a spare piece of bacon at them. Jun nods at the antic and pecks Minghao’s lips.

He grabs Jun’s hand and ushers him inside.

“So, can I have a piece?” Jun asks.

Seungkwan nods and hands him a Styrofoam plate. He sits, back to the couch, bringing Minghao between his legs.

“Now, we just need to get Joshua a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Whatever” Everybody in the room turns to look at Seungkwan for a good five seconds before bursting into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Seungkwan asks.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo  
> was it worth the wait?  
> How do you guys think I should continue? Do you like the progression of the story? Any suggestions?


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